wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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