Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
