I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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