Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
