just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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