I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Drunk is not a location!
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
