I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Randomize
