It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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