there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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