I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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