you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
