My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
