I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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