You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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