she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
