Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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