It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
