i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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