Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
