You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
