Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
