apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
