so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
