my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
