I faked an abortion last night.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
