Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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