i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
They took my balls.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
