i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you didnt know i had herpes?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
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