I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
