Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
