someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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