she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
How external is "for external use only"?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
