I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
