My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
