Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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