All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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