I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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