Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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