How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
