Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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