My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
