What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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