i think my mom watched the whole time
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
