i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
