just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
