She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
