I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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