I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
