New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
