he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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