I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize