My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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