Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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