Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize