Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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