uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
