so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
