Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I believe in your delicious
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
