I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
