our cab driver is having phone sex.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize