You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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