I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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