I wish my penis had an off switch
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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