the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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