dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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