My friends, they love my intelligence
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
