So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
