Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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