the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
