my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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