I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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