do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
