You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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