ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
