Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
