I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
