Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
