Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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