Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
